Just as the title implies, a new year doesn’t change who you are. you’re still the same person, same character in your own story- nothing changes. although many might refer to a new me as new ideas, new plans, new goals, etc.
those old plans and goals you were working on in 2020, have they been completed? it takes a lot to be a new person just like it takes a lot to leave your old ways. “change is constant” they say, but it’s never easy to adjust to a change. i used to be a victim of all those motivational quotes. “new year, new me” “write down your new year goals” “forget about the old you, it’s a new year and a new you” we do so much forgetting so as to forget the point that we’re still the same person. there isn’t anyone or anything that’s going to change that except us. you’ve to first of all accept who you are and who you were. once you’ve accepted who you are and were, then you keep track of your old goals and plans. to transition, you can’t move to the next stage without going through the previous. mind you, it’s your life and not anyone else’s.
Something must break a lady #2
It feels good to be back. I’m here again to say my piece and leave. I’ll be discussing a problem that many ladies don’t view as a problem. Please, stop leaving guys on read.
Now, some of you, baptized with stubbornness, would say, “It’s normal na.” Well, I hate to break it to you, but it isn’t. I’ve noticed that many ladies are so thirsty for attention that they regularly feel the need to trap a lot of guys in their DMs to feel special. Therefore, many guys are piling in her DMs and also, in real life, waiting for her.
I’ve read several stories of men having to chase a lady for a very long period. What do you benefit from this process? You’re not awarded any trophy for placing guys on hold. It is just refined manipulation.
The funny thing is, the same ladies that do this would complain boldly about a guy doing the same. If you don’t want anything to do with a guy, free him. He is not your prisoner. “He is cool,” “He has money,” “I want to see if I made the right choice,” “I like A, but B is also not a bad choice.”
C’mon, you can’t have it both ways. It is not complicated, but your undying love for attention wants them all. Tag a guy along and then leave him in a trance; it seems to be working well for most ladies. Well, it doesn’t last.
Eventually, people find out their value in your life and decide where they want to be. Although, sadly, some don’t —Talmbout a guy chasing a lady for a long period, and she keeps curving him, flashing red lights, and giving green handouts. A guy that doesn’t know his value will keep hanging around to seek her approval. The lady, on the other hand, feels on top of her game.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying it’s bad to feel valued as a lady, but things might not go the way you expect. You might think you’re in control, only to have your ass handed to you on a platter. As it’s important to feel the way you want, you have to also remember that people’s feelings are involved.
Ask yourself as a lady if this is a risk worth taking because the consequences may not be likable. It’s noteworthy to know that our perceived strengths may turn into weaknesses.
Caregiving > Caretaking
There are no perfect relationships. There are no perfect partners. Relationships by their very nature are chaotic, eventful, and challenging (Robert. A. Glover). This has been misinterpreted time and time again, leaving some people stuck in bad relationships.
There’s a popular internet slang called “simping.” This word describes a simp as someone that shows excessive attention/affection toward another person who doesn’t reciprocate the same feelings. Now, not that it is bad to care but giving too much care and not getting the same energy? that’s not cool.
Robert A. Glover said in his book (No more Mr. nice guy!) and I quote: “Caring comes from a place of abundance”. He further explained caring as doing something for someone and not expecting anything in return. Someone that gives naturally can be said to be a Caregiver.
There was also another thing he mentioned which is, Caretaking. Caretaking means caring for someone in hopes of getting something in return.
You would have probably heard of nice guys and how they’re friend-zoned or taken for granted in whatever perceived romantic/sexual relationship. For the record; a lady too can be in this position.
One noticeable trait with a guy or a lady with this “Nice guy syndrome” is, they are givers, they are fixers, and also caretakers.
Dr. Glover also said, caretakers like to avoid conflict and keep in their feelings. This is dangerous for any relationship because communication is the key-ingredient to making things work.
Also, caretakers take care of people because of feelings of guilt and shame. He further explained that people who are caretakers tend to feel unloveable which makes them overly nice to people in hopes of being loved by others.
After seeing the problem, we need to know how to tackle this unfavorable trait. The list below contains things that need to be done to be better at relationships;
- Always look out for your own interest. I mean, never putting yourself at the bad angles of every decision or plan.
- Open up. Some people would say this is bad, but it isn’t. Those feelings, those insecurities, those toxic traits, should be shared with a safe partner.
- Be realistic. When in a relationship, or looking to get into one, don’t seek perfection. It would only cost you your happiness.
- Develop your integrity. You have to create standards of the way you project yourself and what you need in a relationship.
I’ve definitely not said enough. It would be nice if you could go through a book I found very effective. I particularly recommend for guys.
https://archive.org/details/robert-glover-no-more-mr-nice-guy-id-353324692-size-612
How to Break Free from Unhealthy Addictions.
Addiction may be a blessing or a curse. People often say: “All the things we do tracks back to us in a way,” “Too much of everything is bad.” In the midst of our imperfections, is it safe to say we can get addicted to making mistakes?
Addiction can come in different forms, it can present itself in different stages. The ones that make us happy, more creative, and confident are positive addictions. While, those that make us sad, unwilling and unproductive are negative addictions. As humans, we make habits and habits make us. Of course, it could be bad or it could be good. Psychologists say it takes approximately 21 days to create a new habit, it takes longer to break from an existing one. Those existing ones that are bad, grow into a negative addiction.
I am here to take you through the journey of breaking free from the unproductive, compulsive, and damaging. The first thing that should be done is, telling yourself the truth. We all tend to lie to ourselves from time to time. Honesty is important if we want to put away any habit from the lightest to the hardest. It would be very difficult to change if you aren’t open and completely honest with yourself- involves; telling yourself how the form of addiction has affected you, how damaging it is to your life, your relationship, et cetera.
The second thing that can be done is to look for ways to get help. Be it by writing a journal, joining discussion groups that can assist in your journey, discussing with a trusted friend/family, Also, a track record of progress would go a long way. One important thing to note in this phase is, there would surely be discouragements. It can come from within yourself or around. However, don’t let this discourage you from getting a safe space where you can open up.
Another point, keep going! This is not the time to give up just yet. Remember to keep a journal where you encourage yourself. The craving cycle is the worst, but don’t let that hold you back. Look for hobbies, stay open minded, fight self-defeating thoughts with music, writing, exercise, going on outings. Keep in mind; “Relapse is not failure, and doubts doesn’t equal impossibility.” Least I forget, stay connected to people. Experiences from others might be the secret ingredient you need .
Which way is the best- A or B?
Are you a man of principles?
Do you like to follow the rules no matter the cost?
There are situations in life that puts us in an unpleasant position- we might be left with two evils as options or one evil and one good with consequences.
For example, you might be faced with a challenge that leaves you with two options; cheat in an examination or fail with honor, even when we know there’s no honor in failure.
Another situation that might impose a challenge- You and one of your siblings or a friend are seeking a job at the same firm. You need the job as badly as your sibling/friend does. Although, you’ve been job hunting longer than your friend/sibling. There’s a way to get the job which you know but your friend/sibling doesn’t and it leaves a vacant space for ONLY one person. The options you’re left with are; get the job at the cost of whatever kind of relationship between the both of you or let he/she have it while you wait for another opportunity.
One of the biggest challenge: Is it morally wrong to kill a person?- what if you had to take a life for some greater good?
All of the above situations may bring hard or difficult choices depending on our morals, codes, and ethics. The choices we make may have a short term effect or may be a continuous punch in the face for life.
I’ve seen a lot of people do things that they claim they can never do no matter the what and whatnot.
Dr. Jonathan Cohen of Princeton, a psychologist and expert on brain imaging who worked on the study believes that our respective cultural backgrounds affect our judgements on what is right and what is wrong. Dr. Jonathan Haidt, an expert on moral psychology at the University of Virginia, agreed.
Dr. Haidt said and I quote: “Children don’t learn about morality from simply reading the Ten Commandments or being guided through moral dilemmas by classroom teachers. Children learn by observing how their parents, teachers and other adults react to moral problems and by showing emotions like sadness, happiness, anger and disgust. Children internalize those reactions in emotional brain circuits, when they encounter morally challenging situations later in life, these automatic gut feelings help guide their decision making.”
Be it good or bad, greater evil or lesser evil, one way or another we come across situations where we make choices. Tell me what you think in the comment section and you could also share a challenging situation you faced.
sociali spatium gigantis 